Tonight, or rather this morning, I can’t promise a coherent stream of thoughts. I’m trying, as my brain keeps clicking away in the pre-dawn darkness. This post is about taking stock of where I am now, my goals, and my resources.
It starts with the promises I’ve made myself. This year, for New Years, I told myself I’d be working on saying “No.” So far, so, so… It’s like the federal budget; things need to change or even be cut out of my life, but it’s impossible to make a good decision without considering the affects of change, the hidden costs. I wasn’t really sure I’d participate in lent this year having fallen to lapsed Catholic habits, but it seemed like the perfect opportunity to refocus. To aide my search, I decided my sacrifice and prayers would be honed through the guidance of a book I found while I was at the Ten Thousand Villages in Richmond a few weeks ago, Living More with Less by Doris Janzen Longacre. The book is a collection of anecdotes,opinions and facts that challenge what it means to truly live up to one’s beliefs and intentions with a deeper awareness of those who suffer. As I leaf through the pages, it isn’t easy to put ones actions in context of the world community and not feel room for improvement. I’m sure I’ll have a favorite quote every page for every day, but yesterday I was struck by this, “To make ‘do justice’ a standard is to live by both reason and compassion.” These words do so much to close the gap between belief and action.
So thinking about what Living More and my life, where am I? Some days I feel like a super hero because I cover so much ground and do so much work, and others I wonder if I’m just completely delusional and all me efforts might be more circular than forward moving. It’s hard to say which is true because I don’t give myself much time to think about it. I’m spread too thin. Two jobs, a cupcake dream and a family with more responsibilities than I know what to do with… They’ve all settled into the norm rather than the exceptional circumstance. I’m complacent and almost happy in my routine until it’s challenged by more than a day or two off work and I’m overjoyed to the point of tears. I’m happiest when I can provide something to someone, even better when it’s from the kitchen. And I’m stubborn as a mule. How does a blind person see themselves?
So, where would I like to go, or what would I change? When I find myself truly questioning my progress as a human being, I open myself up to possibility and if I think something is truly right, I make a wish. Here is today’s: I wish that I could balance my time, my feelings, my responsibilities, and my aspirations so that I could reach another level of ability. I know ability sounds vague, but I think I do many things half as well as I could if I could only have a little more time to focus. How could this happen? I’d like my family to have a close bond, but for each person to celebrate a healthy sense of individuality and autonomy. I’d like my professional confidence to be matched by financial security with enough time to enjoy what I work for. I need more time with my family and friends.
Sunday night, I got out of Artie’s earlier than usual and I talked to my mom for over 2 hours. I know a lot of women who talk to their parents every day. If you know me, you know how unusual that is. Dad lives with me and I don’t see him every day. Mom and I had a really really nice conversation. We hadn’t talked in a while, and it’ s not because we’re incompatible people, but because of our strange family dynamic has strained our connection. I didn’t realize how much I missed her and it was so wonderful. I hadn’t reach out to her in such a long time and it was just a really open conversation about the things we care about. Different things but the same in spirit. Mostly talking about the kinds of life we’d like to build with the support and love of the ones we care about. I told her about my vacation to Nashville and the difficulty of getting back into my normal manic life.
This is what I need more of. A couple hours of unplanned time to think about life and how I’ll get where I need to be. I’ve gotten really good at crisis management, now I’d like to be good at living well.
Not that everyday should be vacation, but everyday should give you some opportunity to enjoy yourself. While I was in Nashville I celebrated a wonderful combination of old friends, new places, and lots of one of one with my man. You know how much I love my man.
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Check out that Tiramisu (remember how hard I was working to perfect it!)! That’s what I’m talking about people! Not excess, but celebrating the moments of togetherness and satisfaction of things coming together. I hope you’ll send out happy thoughts and good intentions When I get caught up in routine, call me on my BS. Please! Especially challenge my baking repetoire.
I hope you all know how much I appreciate you. Customers and friends, be on the lookout for a Spring Vegan Empanada Party (End of March or sometime in April?!)!
Love you all!
